Rin’s Tears and Feelings
“I’m …… sorry about earlier. …. For everything.”
“…… No, I’m sorry too.”
“” ……………… “”
The two of us sit facing each other on the floor.
Rin’s face is still red, and this redness is not due to the fact that she has just had a bath by any stretch of the imagination.
It is probably due to shame.
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is …….
It’s so awkward!!
It’s true that there have been times when Rin’s underwear has come into view.
If we live together, it can happen by accident.
However, that didn’t stop me from looking at them seriously, and I didn’t know that women’s underwear could be so thin and …… lust provoking.
Oh, I’m mortified just thinking about it.
Even though my patience keeps reaching a critical point, …… this is very disturbing to my heart.
This is why I can’t look directly at Rin in her nightclothes.
I can’t help but replay the events of earlier in my brain, and I end up thinking evil thoughts that I shouldn’t be thinking about.
In order to calm down, I take a deep breath.
Am I right about this rhythm ……?
After that, have a cup of tea …….
I was thinking about this when Rin poked me in the shoulder with her cheeks puffed out in a cute way.
“…… Towa-kun. I’m not wearing them.”
I spewed out the tea I was in the middle of drinking because of the sudden interruption. Rin saw this and wiped the tea off the table.
But first, why is she so calm?
Did she lose her sense of crisis because of being with me ……?
If that’s the case, …… I have to say a few words here…….
“Rin, can I say one thing?”
“Yes. What’s wrong?”
“Let’s at least put on some underwear…….”
A sound escaped from Rin’s mouth, “Oh ……”
Perhaps realizing the gravity of the situation, her face gradually began to turn bright red, and even her ears began to color.
“It’s different! I’m not wearing those, I’m wearing the other ones.”
“…… Is that what you meant ……?”
“What is it? What’s that look? You’re doubting me, aren’t you? You suspect that I would have screwed up and done something wrong! If you want, you can check! If I’m wearing them or not!”
“Oh, Rin. Let’s calm down a little. No matter how emotional you are …”
Rin’s face turned even redder and she pounded on my chest.
Of course, it doesn’t hurt at all…….
Rin is usually so controlled in so many ways that once it breaks, she seems to go out of control.
The dam overflows and becomes an unstoppable flood…..
The evidence has shown this way for a while now.
I think she’s been accumulating a lot …….
I think a lot about her from the way she looks.
She is serious, honor student, more strict with herself than anyone else, yet still kind …….
She always tries to live up to the expectations of those around her.
She is called the “Rear God” revered as the pinnacle of the class, and she is special.
People assume that those who have it all are different from the rest.
She is really just a hardworking, ordinary girl…….
People don’t notice that.
Maybe she’s like me in that regard.
“Let’s calm down for now.”
I lightly patted Rin on the head, who was still pounding on my chest.
Then Rin gradually stopped moving and started to lean her weight on me.
“Rin, I was wondering ……”
“What is it ……?”
I missed it.
A voice with no intonation and no visible emotion.
But now I know it’s the voice that holds something back.
Because we spent that much time together.
“… I thought you did that on purpose earlier ……. Like the fact that your underwear was sticking out. Well, in the end, I guess I’m not lying about my embarrassment getting the better of me.”
“It was weird, the way you were so determined to be strong…….”
Rin turns her head down without saying a word.
That silence seemed to affirm what I was saying.
You have to be prepared to accept someone.
It takes more determination than just liking someone and going out with them.
That’s why I think she was aiming for a little happening, hoping for the best.
But when it comes to the actual situation, it is cute that Rin shows her turmoil.
Well, not everything this time looks like an act.
This seems to be an unprepared idea …… or a lot of unexpected things happened.
As I was thinking, Rin, who was watching me, laughed softly and let out a small breath with a resigned expression on her face.
“When …… Towa-kun found out, you were both ashamed and …… frustrated at the same time. It kind of makes me happy.”
“We spent months together, even a fool can tell.”
“Fufu. Still, I’m happy ……. After all, it’s important to be courageous.”
She murmurs, “I’m glad.” and smiles happily at me.
Then Rin rubbed her face on my chest and put her arms around me across my back.
That tickled me and she smells so good …….
I have the urge to hug her extra hard.
But I remain the same and just be gentle …….
Then Rin slowly opened her mouth.
“Can I tell you a little bit about myself……?”
She whispered in my ear.
I replied shortly, “Oh.”
“‘Have a broad perspective. Why don’t you find someone you like? My father used to say that when I was in junior high school.”
She began to squeeze out her voice.
Her shoulders were shaking slightly, and she was trying to hold back her tears.
I could feel it in her voice.
“I respect my father. He can do anything, he’s kind, people love him, and what he says is always right…….”
“He sounds like an amazing father.”
“And I’m a foolish daughter ……. When it comes to me, he can’t see what’s going on around me…….”
“From what I’ve heard, it sounds right.”
“But he’s a great father.”
Rin speaks in a gentle tone.
It was clear from the way she spoke that she was not lying or misrepresenting.
“I think you have a hard life, but you are blessed with friends and colleagues and seem to be enjoying it. I’m honest with myself, and I’m sure there are times when people are jealous of you, but you still have many friends with whom you can talk about anything. ………… I envy you.”
It’s great to have friends wherever you go, isn’t it?
And when I heard that lament-like muttering, my heart tightened.
Rin and I had talked about friends and colleagues before.
At that time, she said, ‘Towa-kun and Kato-san’s relationship is great,’ and ‘I’m seen as perfect’, for better or worse…….”
She has known Fuji-san since she can remember.
So, was there anyone else in her life that she could be comfortable with besides Fuji-san?
The answer is “no”.
No matter how many people surround her, no matter how many people support her, the only feelings she has are envy and jealousy, like those she has for a sculpted person.
No one will talk to Rin, understand who she is and support her.
They impose their ideals on her, worship her, and do not listen to her true cries, joys, and feelings.
In fact, I have never seen Rin behave the way she does in front of me, Kenichi, or Fuji-san at school.
I have also never heard Rin talking about herself.
Everyone looks at her as awesome, cute, beautiful, divine ……, and that’s all.
–She seems to have it all, but she didn’t have anything that she wanted for herself.
Maybe it’s the gender difference, but I think she sometimes compares herself to her father, who can do everything as well.
I feel such loneliness from Rin.
“The reason I started working hard in my studies, athletics, and other aspects of my life was because I wanted to be praised and recognized by my father, and I wanted to be just like him. ………… That was the starting point.”
“That’s great, Rin.”
“No……. I just wanted to live up to expectations and wanted him to say he was proud of me, so I just worked hard. Of course, he would praise me, and he never told me what was wrong without being emotional about it. He was patient and understanding and …… listened to me even when I was being selfish or when I was talking casually. ………… Really. It’s great, isn’t it?”
I reply shortly.
Rin’s trembling grew stronger, and she began to breathe a little more heavily on my shoulder.
“So I wanted him to listen to me this time too. I just wanted my …… father to just listen to the feelings I was finally establishing for the first time, the connection I was finally making …….”
A few tears fall from Rin’s eyes.
The father you trusted and believed in.
Her father did not listen to her the same way as those around her, and he was imposing his ideals on her, which was a shock from Rin’s point of view.
One of the few people she could talk to comfortably had slipped away to make a hole in her heart…….
“If you’re going to deny it, as always, if you can’t, you can’t, and you have to be clear about why ……. But my father, who became like that, doesn’t listen to me. Because he thinks his way is absolutely right. When he gets stubborn, he will surely push his way through.”
“That’s why I thought earlier …… that it would be better if my father had to give up…….”
“Once and for all, the established facts ……”
A series of inconsistent behavior, was this the reason?
Rin acted in a perplexing way to create a situation where she had to admit …… or even give up material that would force her parents to listen to her without asking whether or not she wanted to …….
But that is too shortsighted.
For Rin, it would be an action devoid of reason.
But for her, it was that shocking and important.
I give Rin a bump on the forehead.
The beautiful white skin turned slightly red and Rin looked at me with teary eyes, perhaps startled by the suddenness of it.
Her big eyes blinked and she looked like she wanted to say “Why?”.
I sighed and looked straight into Rin’s eyes.
“First of all, take care of yourself a little more. I’m glad you’re feeling dignified ……, it’s more than I can bear …… right now.”
“No “But”! The first thing I want to say is that I have no intention of engaging in that kind of male-female activity. Temporary feelings? A rush? It’s wrong to get yourself in trouble and ruin your whole life over it.”
“It’s not a temporary feeling. …… But if I don’t do this, I won’t be able to admit it. …… Our current relationship and …… living …… may be over.”
“Rin’s feelings are indeed straight and honest, and dazzling to watch. But, however, acting only for oneself…… results in making the people around you unhappy, and you end up being unhappy too…… That’s just emptiness.”
Rin looks at me with a face full of despair.
But I can’t easily condone her actions.
Because I’ve seen the consequences of my fall …….
That’s why I know all about the fear and emptiness of emotions and the tremendous impact it has on those around me…….
That’s why it’s dangerous to act only on emotional feelings.
But still, I know that …… logic can’t help me.
“If Rin still wants to go through with it, if she wants to continue living the life she’s living now…. I will go with you to talk about it. Even if you never admit it, I’ll be patient with you until they give in.”
This is about all I can do.
I might be beaten as a man who seduced his daughter.
I’m prepared for that, of course. If I can do something for Rin, I’ll take it in stride.
Rin looks me up and down with a sullen kind of look in her eyes…..
“Are you …… sure?”
“I’m always keeping my head down, and I’ve never had any pride.”
“But …… it can be dangerous…..”
“I can take as many beatings as I need if we can get away with it, and even then, I’d have to think …… again if they disowned you from your family.”
“I used to do martial arts…….”
“We………… will take it easy on them.”
I cower my shoulders and smile at Rin.
“It doesn’t matter if I’m kicked out …… and disowned …….”
“You’d be in trouble ……. We’re freshmen in high school, we don’t make much money. We can’t make a living, to be honest. It’s not enough to just live day to day, but to live for the rest of your life is absurd.”
“Are you willing to stay with …… me ……?”
“That’s …………. Well, I am responsible too…….”
If I trace it back to the beginning, there is no doubt that Rin has changed since she met me.
Whether that is a good change or not, I don’t know.
It’s her own decision, and it’s a decision based on her own measure.
But if I’ve influenced her, …… I can’t not move on, considering how she’s always taken care of me.
“Towa-kun never says, “Be reconciled,” does he?”
“Well, I don’t know. But I think we should talk about it.”
“You’re saying it’s useless because I won’t listen to you?”
She looks shabby and depressed.
I think she thinks it is because she sees her parents as they usually are.
The rest may …… be that she does not want to talk about it emotionally …… right now.
Because Rin’s expression shows her complicated feelings about it…….
“Well, I think Rin’s father may have indeed said what he did. I think he should apologize for that. But Rin, it’s not the same as running away when you’re in an environment where you can talk about it.”
“Look, Rin, you’re the one who’s assuming that your father is like this, aren’t you? You don’t even listen to what he has to say.”
“No matter how perfect he may seem, he is still a person. He may be able to do many things, but he will never be more than a person. People are emotional creatures. Emotions are difficult to control, even if you understand them in your head. Emotions are not logical. …… Especially when it comes to his cute girl.”
Explaining logic is easy.
We can actually show or explain events and phenomena in the world.
But feelings cannot.
No one but the person himself can ever know how they really feel or if what they say is true.
There is no logic to it, and no amount of brain tinkering will reveal it.
Even the most patient person has a limit.
There is a limit.
Just like Rin this time.
Just as her father became emotional.
Even the most patient of people can easily go over the edge of tolerance when something is non-negotiable.
And the more patient a person has been over the years, the bigger the explosion.
But that’s human nature.
But there is a certain warmth in an emotional explosion, and it can be a chance to be close to someone who is just like you for the first time.
It’s like they say, “When it rains, the ground hardens.”
I put my hand on Rin’s head and patted it gently.
Rin reacted to this and squinted happily, showing tears in her eyes.
“Rather, it’s nice to see your father so emotional, isn’t it?”
“Because it is. It’s not a job or something obligatory……. I realized that he was looking at Rin with a firm emotional commitment.”
I spoke slowly, as if admonishing her, and Rin listened to each word, nodding her head.
Then, with her eyes downcast, she seemed to be quietly thinking.
“……What will we do…..”
I wait for Rin to look at me, and when my eyes meet hers, I continue talking.
“You can always go straight at me. Try hitting your parents straight, too.”
“Like I do to Towa-kun ……?”
“Yeah. You will be surprised at how powerful Rin is when you come straight at them. Your parents might be happy to see their daughter’s first rebellion.”
“… I’m not sure if it’s …… okay to do that. Do you …… want to do that? What happens afterwards……”
“It’s okay once in a while. Don’t hold back and bump into them. You never know what will happen as a result. Nothing may happen. But there will be something inside you that will …… certainly come alive.”
Nothing will start if you remain silent.
Because nothing comes from stagnation.
One of them will finally change as they move forward.
It finally becomes visible.
Because that is how the world is made.
“That’s why. Don’t run away and show them the cool Rin that you always are.”
Rin’s hair is ruffled somewhat roughly.
Her hair felt a little heavy and cool because it was still wet.
Well, this is idealism.
But it’s good to have a place to …… bump into.
Because I am blessed to have it.
“What is it?”
“…… May I ask you a favor?”
“Just something I can do.”
I added an insurance policy to Rin, who was about to say something outrageous, and she puffed out her cheeks and pounded on my chest again.
This time, just once.
But even with her cheeks puffed out, she was smiling happily rather than disapprovingly.
“I know that much.”
Rin whispered in my ear.
In a way that seems bewitching, in a way that invites me, in a way that provokes me.
“Please let me stay with you…….”
“I’ll try to make that happen too.”
“…… Please tell me when something is wrong. “
“…… Be there for me if I’m feeling down.”
“If you feel like you’re falling apart, I’ll lend you a shoulder.”
Rin says, “Thank you.” in a quiet voice, and falls silent.
I looked at Rin’s face and she looked at me and smiled.
“Let me spoil you today without being reluctant.”
The arms that embraced me tightened.
In response, I hugged her delicate body.